Once a year, athletes rejoice in jubilation at the return of #ThanksGaining: the annual celebration of maximum food consumption. It is a time honored and cherished tradition. A brief interim from training allows us all to refeed and replenish our systems. On this day there are but a few simple rules that we as athletes must obey. To dismiss yourself from these rules is not frowned upon, for this path we have chosen is daunting and only those with fortified will and a steely hatred for unfinished meals must step forward.
I give you now, the 10 Commandments of ThanksGaining.
1. On this day, you must weigh yourself upon awakening.
This is your mortal number. You enter into ThanksGaining but a mere human. You will leave as something much, much more.
2. Each meal must be recorded.
Like a viking warrior who notches his axe upon each vanquished enemy, you too shall keep an ongoing report of the meals you send into nether-realm. You may scream a battle cry before each meal — not mandatory, but totally advisable.
If no axe is handy, just use your hands.
3. There are only two food groups you will consume: Meat and Tasty Things That Aren't Meat.
4. YOU ALWAYS ASK FOR SECONDS.
Honor thy chef by expressing how much you enjoy the feast at hand by eating more. Show them gratitude and give your service as a meal destroyer. That turkey won't eat itself.
5. You will participate in physical activity with friends, family, or the people of your community.
Backyard football is the preferred game of choice. Specifically tackle. Celebrate often. #FeastMode.
6. Those among you also honoring ThanksGaining will shake hands as so.
7. Naps are mandatory.
Dreaming of PRs is too.
8. The preferred soundtrack on this day is the theme song from the movie Gladiator.
If you have to ask why you probably aren't a part of #ThanksGaining.
9. The final meal must be consumed by midnight.
Following your final meal, you will weigh yourself to see the magnificence of your final form. Those before you will honor you into their ranks. Photograph your day and tweet it to Volt Athletics using #Thanksgaining.
10. Show thankfulness and gratitude that you can participate in such a celebration.
The simple fact that you can be an athlete and play a sport everyday is a gift from the universe. Also: do your dishes, ya filthy animal.
Now, go forth... #ThanksGaining is upon us.
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